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The True Story of My Testicles
Anonymous
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I thought I would share the long, troubled story of my testicles. Now this is a very, very true story which occurred to me. If I didn’t think that some of you would laugh your ass off at it (laughing at my misfortune), I wouldn’t have bothered to post it. It’s a very long story, but its important to have some history, to understand the circumstances, and some funny stuff happens along the way. So sit back and enjoy this amusing little story about my testicles.

**This story, although graphic (medically) at times, is in no way intended to be obscene.

The story begins when I was 16. I had to get a physical for my involvement in the swim team and during the physical the doctor thought he had detected a hernia. After a more thorough examination he decided that he was mistaken and I thought nothing more of it. Flash forward two years. I’m 18, and a year out of high school. One day, I notice that my testicles are bigger than the last time I looked at them (I wasn’t in the habit of daily or even monthly examinations). A few months later I realized that their size had increased a bit more. A bit worried now, but a few months later, their growth stopped and I decided everything was cool, that perhaps my body was playing catch up hormonally or something. I didn’t have a regular physician and there was no way in hell I was going to mention this to my parents. ("Hey Dad, look. My balls are bigger.&quotWink No way in hell.

Flash Forward — So, I’m off to college and am thinking nothing of it. A few girlfriends commented that I was rather large in that area (testes) but that was more of an ego boost, since anytime you tell a guy he’s big down there he’s going to associate "big" with "good". I never anyone take a look at it (medically, that is) so I’m thinking everything is normal.

Flash Forward — I’ve finished with grad school, got the good job, making some good money, and now have a medical plan which allows for a complete physical every 2 years. Since I hadn’t had one in almost a decade I though it would be a good idea. Through a coworker I found a doctor that I thought would be cool and scheduled an appt. Everything was going great. BP was good, cholesterol, lungs, etc. But then he told me to drop my pants for the "turn your head and cough" portion of the exam. I drop my pants, he turns around and says (I remember the exact words) "Have your testicles always been this large?" I tell him ever since about 18. He then says "These are the biggest testicles I’ve seen". And this is from an older (late 50’s) dr. who was a doctor in the military. He tells me that he wants me to see a specialist (urologist) to confirm that I’ve got a spermatocele in my testicles. Now, I’m starting to get worried, especially when he tells me that they resolve the problem with surgery. Most guys, myself included, aren’t big fans of taking sharp objects to our testicles and poking around. I ask him how large they can get and he shows me a picture of one guy’s testicles that are the size of grapefruit (ouch!) He sets up the appointment and I’m free to go.

As soon as I’m home I go online and find out that spermatoceles are: A scrotal mass is a lump or bulge that can be felt in the scrotum. Basically, they’re fluid filled sacs. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Needless to say, I’m a bit worried, but my faith in medicine is still strong.

So, I go see this specialist. Cool guy, and an easy exam, I was thinking until he had me go in this little closet w/ a curtain, take off my pants and underwear and then he came in with a flashlight. His method of detection (before sending me off for an ultrasound of my testicles) was to pull my testicles down, put the lens of the flashlight up against my scrotum, and then look for any reflections, lumps, or masses. This was a bit unsettling, since the room was small, his head was between my legs (no homophobic remarks please) and the heat from the flashlight was starting to get uncomfortable. He told me he couldn’t detect anything and wanted to have them do an ultrasound. We schedule the appointment and everything is still cool.

About a week later I go to a radiologist’s office to get the ultrasound done. I’m thinking, no big deal. Well, first of all, they wouldn’t let me keep my clothes on. They made me wear some paper clothes which rustle when you walk and show your ass to the world. I find the room, hop up on the table and who walks in but some little old lady (late 40’s) to do the exam. Now, at this point I have no idea what this procedure is like. She closes the curtain and tells me to pull the gown to one side. Let me state, for the record, that I’m a pretty modest guy. I don’t do the whole public showering thing at the gym, prefer stalls to urinals, etc. So, this lady is basically asking me to do a lot. I guess she noticed how uncomfortable I was because she told me “I’ve seen ‘em before, it is no big deal.” I, in turn, reply “Maam, this one is mine, ok? You haven’t seen it, and I’m just a bit nervous about this whole thing.” She chuckled and waited. So, I moved the gown over, and she snapped on the gloves. She told me that she was going to need me to hold my penis out of the way while she ran the sensor over my scrotum. I’m thinking, “Great, this just couldn’t get any worse.” But of course, it can…and does. Just like you see in hospital shows where they squirt that gel on pregnant women’s bellies before they get an ultrasound, they have to do this for my procedure as well. And since they don’t want any shrinkage related problems due to using a cold gel, they heat it up for you. So basically, I’m sitting there while this not-unattractive 40 year old lady is rubbing a warm gel around on my scrotum. Needless to say, at this point I’m prepared for just about anything. Nothing else happens, everything happens normally, if you can call normal having an ultrasound of your scrotum being done while you hold your penis, trying to think the most inane thoughts so you have no physical reaction down there due to the fact that you’ve got a warm gel coating your scrotum.

Anyway, she can’t make heads or tails of the whole thing, and neither can I. The results go off to the specialist and I go home.

A few days later, the specialist calls me to tell me they think they see the spermatocell and would like to schedule me for outpatient surgery. At this point, I figure I need to tell my parents so I call them up and give them the news, making the phone call very brief and doing most of the talking with my father. I tell no one at work (although I have since told some of them), and schedule the appointment.

The day of surgery I grab a cab and head off to the hospital. It’s scheduled for 11:00am and should only last for about an hour. I do the paperwork, get changed (another paper gown with my ass showing) and go over all the necessary stuff with the nurses. I’m there by myself since I talked my parents out of flying up. The only person outside of my family who knows is a friend who just knows I’m having a medical procedure done and has to pick me up afterwards to take me home.

Now, they’re prepping me for surgery and tell me that I can be knocked out or take an epidural which would allow me to be conscious for the entire surgery. Of course, I take the epidural b/c I’m thinking it would be cool to be awake while some Dr. is cutting open your scrotum to poke around down there.

I’m wheeled in and disappointment sets in when I realize that they have this blue sheet up on these metal hooks which doesn’t allow me to see anything. The epidural is working pretty good and I can’t feel anything below my mid-back. The Dr. tells me how they’re going to do the procedure, what sounds I’m going to hear, etc. So I sit back, relax, and start talking to the anaesthesiologist about college and what all types of cool surgeries he’s seen. The doctor and nurses are talking to me, they put on some music (Peter, Paul, and Mary…ugh…but they later changed it to U2), and everything’s going good.

Until they get to the point where they have my scrotum sliced open and can’t find any spermatocells. Can you say “Oops”. So, the doctor starts feeling around and says he thinks I may have a hernia. He scrubs out (leaving me there exposed – but they had already stitched up my scrotum) to confer with another doctor and bring him in for a consultation. So, about 45 minutes lapses with me laying there waiting for the other doctor to finish his surgery and come do a consultation. He finally gets his ass to the OR and pokes, pushes, and prods, and determines that it is a hernia. Just for verification (and since they had screwed up with the spermatocell diagnosis) they get another dr. and he confirms it. So, this new doctor comes over to me (still laying there exposed, on the epidural, etc. and explains that they are now going to make a 2nd incision on my hip, go in, and surgically remove the hernia. He explains that the hernia was pressing down on my scrotum internally making it seem like it was a spermatocell.

So, they make the incision, and are rooting around. The anaesthesiologist had told me to let him know if I started feeling anything. By this time we were about 2 hours over what was supposed to be a 1 hour surgery. Lo and behold, I started regaining some movement in my fingers. I thought it was pretty cool until I began to feel tugging in my lower abdomen. This was the doctors spreading open the incision and getting down to the hernia. I called the anaesthesiologist over and showed him my moving fingers and told him that I could feel tugging in my abdomen. The last thing I remember is him pushing the plunger on the drugs that was next to my head. After that I passed out and went to sleep.

So I wake up in the recovery room, with not just stitches in my scrotum, but staples in my hip/groin area. I’m laid up from work for a week, have to wear bandages that make me feel like I’m wearing a diaper, and generally feel like crap for about 4 days. All I can say is thank God for Percocet.

So, the moral of the story guys is that if a Dr. tells you that you have big testicles and wants to poke at them with a big shiny knife……RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

Thankfully, there was no damage done in the area, everything is fully functional. Plus, I’ve got this great story to tell now and I hope it has amused you in some small way.

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