…during this holiday season, a few tips (OK, peeves of mine!)

-First of all, they are going to check your ticket and ID a zillion times. Please have both out and available when you go through security and when you go to board the airplane. If you have a paper ticket, please don’t separate it from the boarding card.
It was stapled together for a reason, dumbass!

-Please carry your own id and boarding card. I’m really impressed that you want to be a nice guy, but you’re making my job of boarding the airplane alot more difficult. Suprisingly, even children are capable of handing me their boarding card and really seem to enjoy doing it.

If you are using your passport as ID, please have it open to the photo page-they are not in the same place for various nationalities. I’d prefer you use your driver’s license if you have one.

-Some states, Rhode Island and Alaska come to mind, really need to come up with some new driver’s licenses that you can actually read the names on. That 2 point font ain’t cutting it!

-You may be selected for a random security check at the boarding gate. I know this is bullshit, but it’s the government’s idea, not mine. I hate it. There is no point in giving me a rash of shit about it if you really want to get on that airplane, and griping to the TSA agent isn’t going to help your cause either. If you don’t like it, write to your congressman and the TSA. Most of the TSA agents at my airport are pleasant enough.

You can vent all you want, but don’t argue with me about the random security checks-I AGREE WITH YOU!!!!! You aren’t the first person today to curse me out over it, either….

-Please board WHEN and ONLY WHEN your row number is called. Believe it or not, there is a good reason for this. If you are seated in row 10 and try to board when rows 40-45 are called, your fat ass blocks the rest of the plane from boarding. Sit down and get that ticket and id ready! Grrrr!

-If you have a musical instrument, baby stroller, or other thing that needs to be checked at the gate, please check with me at the desk BEFORE you get in line to board. I have to hand-write that tag, you know…and you do want it written correctly, yes?

-The days of hanging out in the smoking lounge until the last minute are OVER. Your big rear end needs to be in that seat 10 minutes before scheduled departure. Besides, the last person to board gets sent for a random security check.

-Somebody has to sit in the middle seat. I’m sorry it has to be you today, but the flight is full. I have no seats to move you to. Yes, I realize you booked your ticket 6 months ago. You can argue with me all you want, but if you want to go, it’s going to be in the middle seat.

It might look like that gate agent is doing abolutely nothing behind that desk, but they are actually quite busy-monitoring connecting flights, dealing with oversales, waiting for flight crews to arrive, dealing with catering, dealing with special "deals", trying to get people seated together, looking for people with too much carry-on luggage, maintenance and cabin cleaning issues, and more. We just make it look easy Leave them alone unless you really need them. If you have a boarding card with a seat number, you’re ready to board.

Look around. Some of the information you need may be right in front of you There are signs to the toilets, restaurants, baggage claim, etc. My airport has screens in the gate area that will answer most of your questions about your flight-they’re pretty cool.

If the flight to Chicago is cancelled, that means that NO ONE is going to Chicago-you aren’t the only one! And no, I CAN’T stop the rain, snow, or whatever. Beleive it or not, this isn’t the first time in the history of air travel that a flight has cancelled. We deal with this every day. If I send you to the ticket counter, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE TICKET COUNTER!!!! We deal with this every day. We have ways to handle these things. If I can’t help you, please do what I ask you to do—I’m trying to help you! I really want your screaming head to be in Chicago, not right in front of me. I have no interest in keeping you here in my city. I want you gone.

-I can neither fly nor fix the airplane. I’m not a mechanic. I will pass along any pertinent information given to me by those individuals.

-Lastly, don’t be talking on that f*&^#! cell phone when you walk up to my desk. It’s rude. You can talk to ME or you can talk to THEM. Yes, I can be rude too. You probably didn’t need to see me anyway, and no, we don’t do free upgrades anymore. We can’t even upgrade our friends anymore.

OK, enough of a rant for now. Actually, I still have a good attitude and I have not returned to my old surly self just yet. Give me time….

Happy Holidays
Live from an airport somewhere in the Midwest…