Unless by coach you mean RV, that has to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. 
 
I’ve never been on a bus that has a bar, a restruant, or a smoking section.  Standing, walking, and stretching your legs is very difficult in a coach.  Trains have more leg room and allow you to freely interact with your friends and fellow passengers, and provides a better view. 
 
And how were your belongings with you?  Don’t they get stored under the bus, which would be pretty easy for someone to grab and run away with?  When you are on a train your luggage actually goes into the compartment with you, so you would have to be pretty mindless to have it lost or stolen. 
 
Unless I’ve missed or misunderstood something, I think you don’t have a clue about travel in europe, but feel free to prove otherwise. 

Do you seriously think that these @#$%!^& flies ever go back to their posts?

<Edited so as not to give any publicity!>

They just want publicity. It doesn’t matter if it’s negative, they don’t care what we think.

Some people agree with you, but I have also done a Coach tour, as well as by train.
the thing that is nice about the coach is that it is reliable..I never had a problem with it, and with my stuff being underneath – never a worry. we always had stops and I could get whatever..it’s not like I needed my shampoo or something directly with me. haha
but i do see where you are coming from..just don’t completely dis it before you try it.
trains go really fast..and the coach may go a bit slower, but boy do you get some unreal views, especially because the buses can go drictly through a city, and trains are generally on the coast or go through the rural areas.
Also, if you’re travelling by yourself, a coach tour is fantastic because you meet people and you stick with them, it’s not going from one group to another as you would if you were just going eurorail.
I hope I kind of upped your impression of going by coach – it really is a lovely way to travel!

I have ridden with two Bus Companies in Spain that offer Supra or Ultra service.  What they call it depends on what Company it is.   Both featured reclining seats, two on one side and one on the other, all reserved.  Spanish law now prohibits smoking;  but both also feature on-board Attendents who serve drinks and snacks.   Non-alcoholic drinks are free;  other drinks are priced economically.   ALSA Supra service and Continental-Auto Ultra service (the two that I know) cost a bit more.
 
Just because you have never been on a Bus that has a bar doesn’t mean they don’t exist.   Also, Trains with full service restaurants and Dining Cars are becoming a thing of the past.   Most trains in Europe just have Café Cars.        

I’ve traveled by both coach and train on several continents.  Turkish buses and services are by far the best I’ve been on, most all services have nice reclineing seats, free snacks and drinks, and take a rest stop every few horus.  I’ll agree that bus isn’t a bad option for short trips, maybe up to 4 hours, but from my personal experience 7-12 hours in a bus seat is absolutely painful!  Your back hurts like hell, the only options you have are recline back or recline up, and the rest stops only provide temporary relief.  I find 2nd class eastern europe trains more appealing. 

 
I think the sights of a city are much better viewed on foot than from a bus window.  But I guess when you are on a tour with very limited time, you dont always have a chance to stop and look at things, just snap a picture before its gone. 

Funny, it seems to me that buses quite often go on highways or freeways, the equivalent of interstates, and not right through the cities.

 
The tour buses pick you up from your hotel, take you to the sight you are going to see, pick you up again and bring you back.  Its real easy that way, you dont have to bother walking through the city or anything. 

  Yeah,  God forbid that a tourist would have to learn anything about the place they were visiting, like how to navigate the transit system, read a street sign or figure out a map.

 
I know!  Gosh!  I hate maps, they are like so confusing!  All of those lines and names, I mean who can figure that stuff out??  I’d much rather just pay someone to take care of all that hassle.